registry

[avestan]

(296)
Iri's storehouse
Mirror of Kibisis
Reopening
Persimmon cooking
Rider, bicycle, and the jealous Sakura
The King's clothes are a swimsuit (waterfront king: prologue)
Saber lately
Afternoon light
The battle of today's menu
Sakura-san lately
Fuji-nee's persimmon feast
Towards the "splash"
That past is already
Caster's shopping (hobby edition)
Quo Vadis
Lancer
Lancer's Heaven I
Lancer's Heaven II
Lancer's Heaven III
Wabi-sabi-tsumami
Horn (definitely)
Horn (no echo)
Matou residents
After coming back
Return of the wise man
The big three female Servants' super-battle
Sea of memories
Bridge of eternity - right
Warrior's knowledge
Murder at the Twin Mansion
Spearman at work (flower shop edition)
Her holiday villa
For your forgetful self
Murder at the empty mansion
Caster's delivery
Illya strikes back!
Rider and the sandwich
The light on the way home
Great problem at the archery club
How about a training camp?
Crest fever
Sakura and deluxe lunchbox
Sisters' lunch
Educational guidance
The student council chairman is still going strong.
Let's go for lunch!
Fuji-nee's teacher form
Cat-tiger family rampage
Rin and Mitsuzuri on campus
On the verge of a dream
Plushie
Potato sorrow
Marron pie temptation
Rider, reading, and the jealous Sakura
Light-hearted promise
A guest from 5 years back
The trap of high-class ingredients
Sugar candy teatime
This is not Heaven.
Rider's errand, no return
Cleaning alone
Cleaning with everyone
Caster's shopping (good wife edition)
Mimic Tohsaka Lvl 1
Mimic Tohsaka Lvl 2
Mimic Tohsaka Lvl 3
Familiar kid
Angel and a diamond
Visitor
Suspicious pair
Makidera and Rin's pendant
Loitering on the way, main road
Towards the cultural festival
Caster's cooking practice
Dowsing housing
100 views of corpses
Respecting the countless servants
Iron and the second button
Gorgon's cellar
Selected for the King
Pool tickets and a threatening letter
What kind of wedding?
Sakura's memories
Autumn, sky, and a golden taste
Because I groom it twice a week
Mitsuzuri visits
Rin and high tech
Three girls one day
Killing and a fancy bear
Persistent cooking Caster
Successor
Bridge on an ordinary night - left
Two detectives
Mitsuzuri's revival
Himuro Kane's inquiry
Smuggling, fishing boat, round-the-world trip
Rin's magic lesson
Invisible servant
Sakura, Mitsuzuri, and the archery club
Mitsuzuri Minori
Snake princess in the evening sun
Lunch with the track-and-field club
Day of the festival
Praying Fuji-nee
Rider investigates
Adventures of Himuro Kane
A samurai and a wild flower
Dragon trance military history (??)
Pool and the Mystic Eyes seal
Penguin-shaped shaved ice machine
Level up?
Tohsaka exploration party
The secret to finger pressure massage is devotion.
Dreaming cooking Caster
Gossip between the two
Anachro-analog Rin
Border
Adventures around the maid
Sakura and Caster, united edition
Shin-chan and the sea
Blue Panther vs. Black Panther
Big trouble! The ancient legend of the resurrected supreme king inscribed in stone
Big pursuit! Two teachers, an elf, and an apprentice
Flip-flop 2
Flip-flop 3
School maid
On the way home
Crosswords and shogi problems
Training camp, approval
Justice and the kitten
That night: ghost stories
Curse collector
National treasure
A cat, a priest, and a stubborn teacher
Rin at the temple
monster
Ath nGabla
Final night
Good night
Hero of the bath
Sisters' crisis
The future is now
Airmail
Emiya massage
Quartet overture
Stray tiger
Dead Bridge (I)
Dead Bridge (II)
The things that suit Rider
In London
Peace and quiet (I)
Peace and quiet (II)
Peace and quiet (III)
Peace and quiet (1)
Peace and quiet (2)
Peace and quiet (3)
Ritual window
Kagetsu Tohya
Awakening (fake)
Awakening (not yet)
Silver thread
Decisive battle
Temple guardian
End of the four nights
Cruel teacher
One last drink
Execution appreciated
Those that give and take
The shore where he stayed
Choice sake - proof of the wild
Streets at night (patrol)
Streets at night (battle)
Haunted mansion
Tohsaka's advice
Haunted night
Good night - Illya
Good night - winter
No trespassing
Ghost Gossip
Ghost Gossip Glamorous
Hotel Einzbern
Memory
Twilight castle
Not yet
Reopening
A moment in the morning
Rin comes back
Wish.
Sisters' summer (apple)
Sisters' summer (lemon)
Medical medicine
A siblings' game
Waterfront king
Heaven's dress

(31)
unlimited blade works
heaven's feel
Caren I
Caren II
Caren III
Caren IV
Caren V
Caren (?)
Spider ladder
Spiral ladder
Reverse Moon
Holy Grail
Heaven's Feel Backnight 1 (church)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 2 (rooftop)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 3 (Dialogue Möbiuslink)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 3 (out on the town)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 3 (love)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 4 (Endless)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 5 (Void)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 6 (arm)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 6 (church)
Heaven's Feel Backnight 7 (Cradle Hollow)
Chaldea
Accel/Zero Order
Unlimited raise/dead
Let's Tell a Tale of World Salvation

Comments

Re: 20 - Caren II

[avestan]

SHIROU: Hmm. In short, the church handed you off to a monastery, and you found your true calling?

CAREN: … Yes, it wouldn’t be wrong to put it that way.

Carent seems to pout a little as she nods.
Whoops. Was she offended that I summed it all up a bit too much?

SHIROU: Ah… What is it? Did that touch a nerve?

CAREN: Yes, that surprised me. It would have been better if I explained it that way from the beginning. May I used that summarized version of yours from now on?

Her admiration and proposal are both sincere.
Whatever, I honestly don’t get this girl at all.

SHIROU: That’s fine, you’re the copyright holder. If you want to use it, then by all means go ahead.

CAREN: Thank you. What you have succinctly stated is very true.

SHIROU: ………………

I’m not sure how to react seeing her act that pleased right after telling such a depressing story.
...Well, somehow I just felt that way.
This woman is actually pleased with having that kind of life up to now.

SHIROU: --Well, that’s fine. Since we’ve gone this far, I might as well hear the whole story. What do you do during an exorcism?

Well, no, it’s not fine.
It’s not, but I want to clarify this part first.

CAREN: I do not do anything. I have not been granted the rites nor sacraments to exorcise a demon. I simply accompany my master.

SHIROU: Huh? You mean you just follow him, that’s all?

What the hell?
Is this guy she’s calling “master” a coward?
Dont’ tell me he was just afraid to go to towns where the possessed were by himself.

CAREN: I will not ask the reason for your sudden indignation, but the conclusion you must have carelessly reached is mistaken. Those who become exorcists do not fear demons. The only thing to fear is the shattering of one’s own mind.


SHIROU: ...Hmm. That’s very impressive, but in that case, he’d be perfectly fine all by himself, right? Wasn’t there no need for him to bring you along? What about that “masochistic pneumatic automatism diathesis” thing you have? If you get close to demons, you’d get the same symptoms as someone who’s possessed, right? In that case, you’d be a nuisance rather than an assistant. It’s like jumping into a fire while covered in gasoline.

CAREN: That is my role. To take spiritual damage. That’s the shortest path to identifying the demons. Demons are not visible to the human eye, it isn’t known that someone is possessed until they transform. Or rather, it’s that True Demons are clever, so they conceal themselves within the possessed. So as to not attract the attention of enemies until reaching maturity, they try to suppress the symptoms as much as possible.
...Unfortunately, the Church has no way to exorcise a demon once fully matured. The only thing exorcists can do is find them before they are grown and exorcise them. Once they have become a demon, we have no choice but to incinerate them. The only ones able to do this are agents that specialize in heretic inquisition.

SHIROU: Ah -- so that’s your purpose.

A sudden emotion destabilizes me.
I feel just a bit disgusted.

Demons can’t be seen by humans. Only the host knows he is possessed.
The first and most difficult step in an exorcism is finding the demon that conceals its true identity.
Even for a skilled exorcist, identifying a demon is like walking on a tightrope at all times.

This is where she is useful.
She has an idiosyncrasy that responds lustfully to the surrounding demons and evil spirits, and causes the effects of the possession on its own.
From the Church’s perspective, it’s an extraordinary “heresy.”
Although it would normally be a useless genetic trait that would be harmful to even let exist, there is one specific purpose for which its radical effectiveness is demonstrated.

In short...

This girl is a living detector that sheds blood to inform others of demons.

It makes a tearing noise.

It breaks her arms, crushes her legs, and rips her womb from the inside.

Even if the form returns, the function does not.

The sight from those dull golden eyes was lost long ago.

This bell-like voice may not even resound in reality.

...These are her true colors.

She is a messenger of God, who saves others by mutilating herself until death.

SHIROU: --So that’s why, I see.

Her “true calling” was well said.

SHIROU: No wonder you were even chosen by the Holy Shroud of Magdala.

It takes some kind of reason to endure such unreasonable pain.
She gives unimaginable pain to herself.
Even if she doesn’t want it, injuring herself is still a masochistic act.

...You cannot injure yourself out of hatred.
Her deeds are not something that can be done without love, or faith.

SHIROU: ...Just asking, but can you refuse? You can’t, right? You would have refused if you could.

CAREN: That is also incorrect. The Church is strict but it is not inhumane. One has the right to refuse participation in an exorcism.

SHIROU: --So why do you bother helping with the exorcisms?

CAREN: Because there is meaning in it. Besides, neither outside nor inside are any different to me.

Going outside to perform exorcisms and being inside the monastery are no different.
...Ah, so that’s it.
I had thought before that she was riddled with bandages and reeked of disinfectant, but it’s no wonder.
A demon stings at the very heart of a human.
No matter where she goes, she can’t avoid getting hurt.

SHIROU: That’s total bullshit. That’s no good reason to take part in exorcisms. Don’t you have even one complaint?

CAREN: I understand that I have a handicap compared to others, but that’s what I was born with. There is no point feeling bitter about it. If I was born this way, I just have to abide by my fate.

SHIROU: What? Haven’t you thought about curing it? If it’s something like a disease, at least do something to improve your health.

CAREN: No cure has been found for it, nor do I wish for one. It is enough just to be able to pity myself over my misfortune. --Besides, although I certainly do become injured, those are not my wounds, but rather those of someone else. It is pity I have, rather than resentment.

Holy shit.
The hell is she talking about?

SHIROU: You’re saying you’re fine like this?

CAREN: Yes. Since I came into the world like this, it is simply the destiny I follow.

She said she’ll take everything as it is. I can’t speak for how someone else might take it. But this kind of thing doesn’t sit well with “me”.

SHIROU: Hey, what do you want out of your life?

CAREN: Is a meaning in life necessary?

SHIROU: No, I wouldn’t worry about something like that. But it’s like you’re living to do nothing. Things like that just piss me off, you know.

Someone had complained about something like this some time or other.
It was--

I don’t like it when people aren’t rewarded for their hard work.

When were those words said?

I wouldn’t call it saintly.
After all, those imposters known as saints don’t try to award results. Because it doesn’t fit the equality they preach, they’d never speak of being rewarded in the end.
That’s why these are nothing but thoughtless words.
It’s not even hypocrisy, but a questionable, naive wish.

CAREN: ...The atmosphere has changed again, hasn’t it? Only a moment ago you were frustrated, but now it’s clear that you are angry.

Apparently she can read my expression even with her eyes closed.
But unfortunately, that’s not quite right.
It’s not that I got angry just now, but that I’m always in a bad mood when I’m here.

SHIROU: Well, whatever. I guess since that’s your policy, there was no need to speak out over every little thing. I don’t like it, but have it your way.

CAREN: --I see. You, Emiya Shirou, are someone who cannot be patient.

She pushes back with a blunt tone.
Is it her turn to be angry now, or did she just return to her usual self?
She looks at me with conceited eyes appropriate for this church.

SHIROU: Um -- What was that?

CAREN: Nothing, really. I know someone very similar to you, so I just compared you with him. Although, he is someone who can be patient. Although you two would not agree on anything, you do have some interesting points in common.

She grins broadly.
I don’t think it’s appropriate for a substitute priest to flaunt her malicious intent.

SHIROU: I don’t understand what you’re saying. There’s nothing I’d have in common with this guy you know, right?

CAREN: Everyone knows except the person themselves, isn’t that how it goes? Emiya Shirou is a good man who kills his own desire and cannot forgive the irrationality of the world. Whereas the other man is a villain who embraces his own desire and ignores the injustice of the world. Even though you are polar opposites, you have far too much in common. ...Hehe. Just like a demon appearing through opposing mirrors.

An unpleasant smile appears on her face.
...I figured out something.
Caren has even less individuality than I do, but she gets excited at the idea of rubbing someone’s weak spot the moment she discovers it.
The troubling part is how effective her nose for this stuff is.
This woman uses her unmatched senses to sniff out the scars of others.

SHIROU: …...So, who’s this “polar opposite” of mine?

CAREN: He is a figure from an old tale. In a certain land, there was a sinner that shouldered the sins of everyone in the land and received punishment for them until his death. He was a very virtuous young man, but he was chosen to be the sinner simply by chance. It was an act carried out by the will of man, but because the people did not directly choose, it might be said to be the will of heaven.

SHIROU: ...The will of heaven, huh? He was imprisoned and abused because of something like that? There’s no doubt he’d hold a grudge against the world.

CAREN: No. The grudge he held only lasted for a few years. In the end he forgave all of mankind. He watched the world change over a long time -- Undoubtedly, he forgave them all.

SHIROU: --So, his hatred didn’t last long? Come on. That’s just what his assailants would like to think, right?

CAREN: That’s likely right. The hatred that has taken root in him can already be called eternal. Hating humans is as natural to him as breathing is to us. That is the kind of entity he’s become. That hatred is no longer an emotion, but a way of life.
Like that, he affirmed everything. “The world deserves to be hated.” “There are an endless variety of humans, so whatever happens can’t be irrational.” “Do as you like, since I will offset the irrationality with hatred.” He forgave many events and the evil desires of the masses, saying, “Even that is fine.”

SHIROU: ………...That’s really amazing. That’s not just a good guy, that’s a saint.

CAREN: Not quite. Sometimes affirming everything becomes the greatest evil. Do you not understand? Forgiving everything is to simplify it all by reasoning that the strong are strong, and the weak are weak.
...Moreover, he praises an individual’s desires. He says, “Do what you think is good for yourself.” Having no concept of good and evil, he simply affirms all things as they are.

“What a troublesome person,” Caren adds.
...That certainly is troublesome.
A mindset like that would end up endorsing crime.

SHIROU: Isn’t that guy bad? You’re a representative of God, so go haul him in before it’s too late. Come on, you can use something like that red cloth. Capture was its specialty.

CAREN: Rest assured, there is no need to capture him. He is indeed a dreadful being, but even leaving him be is probably fine. He is, fundamentally, incompetent and harmless.

SHIROU: …...Didn’t you just say something really cruel?

CAREN: I have simply stated the truth. At any rate, because of his passive nature he is quite lazy. He doesn’t have the initiative to carry out evil acts.

SHIROU: Well, that’s alright then. ...So, where are this guy and I alike?

CAREN: You don’t understand? Really? Despite it simply being a matter of “hating the world despite loving it” or “loving the world despite hating it”? You don’t see that you two, despite being so fundamentally different, merely have the order reversed?

SHIROU: --

“I’m asking because I don’t understand!” Or so I was about to say, but it seemed like a waste of time.
I didn’t come to talk about this sort of thing to begin with.
I just came here on a whim, listening to her talk as she pleased.

I have no obligation to rack my brains over some uncomfortable doubt like this.

SHIROU: Question. Why did we start talking about this?

It’s obvious now that Caren’s switch has been flipped.
This contrived shift in behavior is something I’ve often seen with Tohsaka Rin.

CAREN: I’m surprised. You don’t understand this either? You really are quite thickheaded, aren’t you?

SHIROU: If you mean I’m bad at picking up on others’ feelings, I agree. So? What’s your reason for pissing me off?

CAREN: ...Unbelievable. Very well, I will answer this one. That just now was payback for selfishly examining me.

Examining…?
I haven’t even tried imagining what’s underneath that unfashionable robe of hers, but…

It’s like you’re living to do nothing.

Well, I might have offended her by saying something that was a bit too on the nose.

In any case, I think staying here any longer would be even more uncomfortable.

SHIROU: I’m going home. Go catch some random guy in the park if you want to talk so much.

A simple matter of going Whooosh! with that red cloth of hers.

CAREN: ...As I said, I cannot go outside very often. You don’t have any spare time?

SHIROU: I did until I met you, but now I don’t have time to mess around. You’ve given me an objective for the time being.

“Ah,” Caren responds in comprehension.
That’s right. I’ve figured out my path from here on.
I socialized with her because she’s a valuable source of information, but I should hurry back if there are no more leads.

SHIROU: See you. If I come by again, try to be at least a little more helpful.

CAREN: --I promise. If you have lost your way the next time you come, I will guide you to the correct path. ...In exchange, please tell me one more time. Why do you wish to resolve this anomaly?

SHIROU: Uh-- That’s, well--

…...Then, why is it exactly?
Why am I obsessed with the resolution of this anomaly?
Even though after the fourth day it will be as though nothing ever happened anyway.

SHIROU: --No, that…

CAREN: ...It was a foolish question, wasn’t it. I was the one who said you were an impatient person. For Emiya Shirou, it was only natural to extend a hand to someone in need.

SHIROU: Ah.

With a poof, all doubt vanishes.
Now that she mentions it, that’s right.
Because it was something I didn’t need to think twice about, it probably wasn’t even a reason at all.

...I can’t believe it…
But those are the kinds of thoughts that fill this head of mine.

I stand up to leave.
She looks at me as though she still has something to say.

CAREN: ...Do you dislike this place so much? Or perhaps city life is more stimulating?

SHIROU: --That’s half right. I hate this place, but compared to wandering around town, well, at least it has some new flavor.

They say you’ll get tired of even a feast if you don’t try different foods every now and then.
It’s simply enough to have my everyday normal life to go back to.
Things like excitement and passion can come later, when I’ve forgotten about them.

SHIROU: That’s just how it is, I can’t stomach either you or this place, but I’ll come again if I feel like it. See ya.

I start walking towards my daily life.

CAREN: Is your everyday life fun, Emiya Shirou?

SHIROU: --Who knows? It’s not so intensely fun that I need to give special thanks for it.

I have to confess…
Rather than calling it fun, it’s all so dazzling it’s sometimes a little painful.

I leave that foul church behind.
With the organ’s venom fading, I can finally think straight again.
Caren said it’s only natural for Emiya Shirou to save someone.

SHIROU: ……..Huh?

But still…
Just who am I trying to save…?